hey hey...

im back.

it was strange not being able to blog for a while..i know now for sure that this "blogging": is way for myself....helping me get shit out, helping me to just release!!!!

the world is a strange place, and stranger even more in my head!

when i was younger, i was what is known now as a "CUTTER"

i would cut my arms, legs, feet...with a razor, or knife...somtimes, a pice of barbed wire, or a sharp piece of plastic...whatever worked....yes ...it is strange, but not as strange as you may think...

you see, i had alot of shit goin on when i was a kid (i know who dosent) but an abusive, over baring tyrant cop step father....compiled, with not fitting in, and manic/bi-polar( at that time i was simply labeled as...retarted, or hyperactive..special needs)..i remeber the skool nurse giving me drugs, that wood make me slobber on the desk, and the kids in class wood make fun of me, but they were like shadows...and the world moved slowley around me..by the time i got home(home..i use that term loosley) i was just..out of it, skool werk, yea right, i could barley read what was on the page...so...i failed...and was put into the "SPECIAL NEEDS CLASES)....RETARD....i learned at an early age how to "ditch " MY MEDS... and act like i had taken them....

even thru high skool, i remember the names of the shit they were trying to shovel down my throat...

BUSPAR

PAXIL

DEXITRAL

MOBIX

the list goes on....none of this shit worked,(werked...hmmmm...i still dont know what they were working on) and again i started ditching meds,,,,,,one day i ment a cat, who shared an intrest in music, and long hair...and we became friends...he introduced me to pot....acid, all the good shit...and then one night we decided to pierce our ears....yea...we did the patato behind the ear, after icing, for an hour,,,then stuck a large needle thru...then tryed to retrace the hole with an ear-ring....man....but we noticed one thing about each other....pain tolerance.....and he shared with me..the scars on his arm...i asked"what is that from" and he said that he "cut himself....on purpose....i didnt get it...

but one night after, being demoralized by the cop figure head....i took out my pocket knife.......and cut myself....not trying to comit suicide(altho i didnt realy care if i did die) i cut a nice slit in my arm..underside, above my wrist( still have the scar from that one) i cut a little too deep.....and it scarred me...i was shaking...but ...this feeling, like a bucket of cold water dumpped over my head, and then uforia......it was........great...it took the pain in my brain away...well,,,i continued, even carving band names and such in my arms/legs.....yes i still have many scars.....but this was a true outlet.....a way of escaping the pain in the brain....(i dont recomend this, or condone it...its just somthing i did).....i was caught by my mom....who flipped out, and rushed me to the psyciatric ward of the hospital, where i stayed for ...a week? i dont remember...but was asked a million questions, and givin what i know now to be "HOLLIDOL"....thatll take the skip outta your step!...fuck, so i promised not to cut...i did tho...had to find places they didnt look....cause they checked me for.....cuts,,,,,

well thank my lucky starz i found somthing much better........no not drugs,,,,,tattoos!!!!

i am runnin out of canvas....but when i get tattooed, it takes me to that happy place again...(except for my stomach....that shit just plain hurt!)....

i dont know what ill do when i run out of canvas......tattoo over tatoos.....i donno...i dont like to think bout it...

yes i will get the rest of my hands done...(these days ya gotta know sombody....alot of shops wont do hands..feet...face...even letters)

and some day may even go to the face....i havent decided yet...but i am goin in next weekend to finish my upper chest,and then...in march...we start on my back piece....consepualized for about 10 years.....i wont tell u waht it is, only that i will love it....and others will absolutley-hate it!!!!the fucked thing bout yer back...is u cant c it!....thats fucked......but i will know its there.....i think the best tatooing i ever got was on my right elbow.....for some reson....it felt like i was being tatooed on my feet/neck, ass....everywhere but my elbow.....i was strapped into a chair(to prevent involuntary movement)....and my eyes were rolling bACK in my head...and this girl came in for her first.....she was watching me, and as the artist, was firring up the machine, she made a sound like "GLURGLEDABLRDGET", and boom..hit the deck....they got her up, gave her some candy, and a coke(to get her blood sugar up), and then they started again...she got a dolphin, bout the size of a dime on her ankle......it took all of 5 min.....after the session, she looked in the mirror, and snapped"THAT WASENT SO BAD"......yea,,,,,,right...anyhoo..i dont have any on my private parts, or buttocks(too much info?) and never will.....just not into that fer me......but i have a friend, who has your name on his dick, and bats flying out of his ass crack.....stellar work!

ait...cant really remember what i just wrote, and dont go back and read my own stuff....its totally "in the moment shit".....and thats the way i wrtie.....

have a good xmas(tho i will probably blog thru it).....but i guess its the thing to say this week...so i said it......

~g~